Journey of 18 Months

July 30, 2018 the life and family as I knew it abruptly and violently ended. I was gut punched by Spirit. On that day I was unaware of the journey Spirit had me embark on. The journey would last over 18 months and would test my faith, my courage, my strength, my resilience and my resolve.

I now understand, on that day, I stopped being merely a member of my family. I became, on that day in July, the matriarch of the family. I had no understanding what trials were ahead and how my family would look to me for leadership and depend on my strength of faith, will and mind. I only understood the depth of my grief.

On that summer day, my nephew, only 19 years young, was killed in an automobile vs motorcycle accident. This would be the first in a series of traumatic and painful events spanning the next year and a half. Each would come on the heals of the previous, compounding the trauma. Causing me to question my resilience and strength. On many occasions I found myself wanting to curl up in a ball and disappear thinking no person should be forced to endure one painful event after another. By no means do I think my experience is worse than others and by some measures it is considerable better than others. It is merely MY experience.

Over the course of the next year and half my home would become the focal point and literal port in the storm for my family. In addition to my husband and myself, my mother, daughter, son-in-law, both granddaughters, my brother, his wife and their three children would find refuge in my home.

Following the sudden death of my nephew, my husband would be diagnosed with two forms of dementia (vascular and Alzheimer’s), my step-mom would pass away - suddenly, my brother would be wrongly accused and incarcerated, I would have two significant injuries, both requiring surgery and rehab, my mother would also experience two major injuries which would also require surgery and rehab.

Intermixed with these events were moments of joy - watching a puppy play, experiencing the celestial bodies in all their glory continue on without hesitation, listening to my granddaughters’ giggles, a tender moment experienced between my husband and I. I relied upon meditation through my art, coloring and sketching; I kept grounded by working in my yard; I reached out and found profound support from friends; I practiced release and acceptance even when I didn’t fully believe it would help. These were the moments and practices that kept me going, kept me sane.

I now understand the childhood and early adult experiences - both beautiful and ugly - the lifetime of self exploration, struggle to break family-of-origin negative patterns of behavior and belief and the transformational work I had done had prepared me for this time.

I would not be the woman I am today without these exceptional and heartbreaking events. My fortitude, strength, faith and resilience have been forged out of grief, despair, pain and loss; as well as joy, blessings, love and family.

The pain is no longer acutely felt rather it is an echo of its former strength. I understand now that it is there as a reminder to fully embrace life and live in the moment.